October means fall sports tryouts are wrapping up in gyms, fields and golf courses across the country — and for every roster that gets posted, there are kids who didn’t hear their name called. For parents, that moment can stir up lots of feelings. It can also provide a valuable learning opportunity.
At First Tee, we see failure as a First Attempt In Learning. Even the very best golfers lost more than they win, and our coaches have seen plenty of missed putts and unlucky bounces. What we’ve learned is that how a child responds to disappointment matters more than the disappointment itself.
“Resilience isn’t something young people discover after a setback,” said Kristin Westberg, senior director of program evaluation. “It’s something we build into our curriculum with intention at First Tee, so they are prepared to approach these moments proactively rather than simply react to them.”
Let them feel it before you fix it. It’s tempting to jump straight to solutions like private lessons, extra practice or a pep talk. But it can be beneficial to give disappointment a few moments to exist. At First Tee, we call this “Growing through Challenge,” and it’s one of the key commitments are participants make to themselves. Kids who are allowed to feel frustration without a parent rushing to smooth it over tend to process it faster, not slower.
Reframe the setback before it becomes the story. In a child’s mind, “I didn’t make the team” can quickly translate into “I’m not good enough.” You can help interrupt that train of thought with questions like:
- What went well in tryouts?
- What can we work on for next time?
- What other opportunities could this open?
Separate effort from outcome, out loud. A tryout result is one data point on one day. Help your child set some goals within their control. For example, there’s no guarantee they’ll make the golf team on their next try, but they can still feel proud if they meet their standards – whether that means hitting 200 balls per week in practice or committing to a consistent pre-shot routine.
Treat resilience as a skill. It might feel like some kids are naturally more positive or less competitive than others. But just because your child takes their sport seriously doesn’t mean they can’t learn to make the most of setbacks. Resilience isn’t a personality trait but a learned skill. Encouraging your child to take healthy risks, especially when success isn’t guaranteed, can show them it’s not only alright to fail or make mistakes, but it’s inevitable. You’re giving your child a gift by teaching them to cope with the resulting feelings when the stakes are low.
Tryout season ends. But the skill of bouncing back will always be useful.
First Tee teaches concepts like FAIL and other meaningful life skills through golf at more than 1,500 program locations across the country. Find a location near you or support our efforts by becoming a First Tee Ambassador.